Here’s how to stop holding grudges, let go of the past and move on with your life.

Someone has hurt you or done you wrong,

so wrong that you feel really hurt and this person has probably refused to apologize, or maybe they even have,

but you can’t seem to get past that, this post is especially for you.

First let’s look at the meaning of a grudge….

What Is A Grudge?

A grudge is a feeling of ill will or resentment directed at someone or something for a hurtful experience in the past.

We have all been hurt by someone at some point in our lives,

some of these experiences,

we forgot in less than a day or two,

but there are some that stick with us for a really long time,

ones that we keep replaying over and over again in our heads like a movie.

Continuously re-living the hurt we felt at that singular moment in our lives over and over again and then shaking this feeling off in a matter of seconds,

without fully dealing with how that event or experience truly made us feel.

This is what results in a grudge…

A grudge is simply the act of re-living a past painful or hurtful experience over and over again without fully dealing with the anger that you felt when it happened and then letting this anger guide you in making decisions regarding present and even future events relating to the person or people involved in that event.

The first step to let go of a grudge is to understand what a grudge is.

How To Stop Holding Grudges – Understanding Grudge Vs Forgiveness

To let go of a grudge,

you need to fully understand why you have a grudge or if you even have one,

you need to think back to the day of that particular event and understand how that experience made you feel,

fully accept that you were hurt,

take your time to process that hurt the way you can, be it crying, yelling or even breaking things,

understand that this anger needs to get out when you keep it bottled up inside it destroys your inner peace.

Then work towards healing and moving on from that experience by telling yourself that this is the last time that you will subject yourself to feeling this pain ever again.

So that in future,

when you remember that experience,

you don’t remember the pain or hurt you felt or blame yourself for what you should have done differently at the time,

you remember the way you felt and how you have handled it and made your peace with that particular event to move on by forgiving whoever you hold a grudge against.

Don’t get me wrong,

forgiveness doesn’t mean that you all of a sudden forget what the person has done to you,

it just means that you decided not to let it rule over you.

It means that you decided to overcome that victim mindset,

that you decided to not let that singular moment keep hurting you over and over again just because it once did.

Forgiveness is you setting yourself free from being held back by a hurtful experience,

in no way should you judge yourself for something bad happening to you,

instead forgiveness is the best way to let go of a grudge and rise above it all.

Effects Of Holding Grudges On You

Holding a grudge means that you are keeping all that anger and hurt that you feel bottled up inside you just so that you can keep reminding yourself that you were wronged and that you dislike the person for it.

This decision has a terrible effects on you, some of them include:-

1. Seeing things with a negative point of view

2. You start expecting too much from people

3. It becomes harder for you to trust other people

4. When things don’t go the way you want you get depressed and easily angered.

5. Holding a grudge blocks you from seeing the good side of people and only paying attention to their bad side.

6. All that negative energy can lead to stress, which may cause health problems such as hypertension and high blood pressure.

7. It’s a lot harder to let things go.

8. You can easily become narcissistic, manipulative and paranoid.

9. You develop the victim mindset (the mentality that people have done you wrong)

How Stop Holding Grudges

The best way to stop holding grudges is to change your perspective,

if you are still holding grudges,

it’s because you have convinced yourself that holding onto a grudge to show that person involved that you are still mad at them

You have decided that you probably will never forgive them for what they have done

and that this decision is more important than the effects of what re-living that experience over and over again has on you.

You have put that person above yourself,

making them a priority before you!

By constantly re-living that experience over and over again,

you keep fueling your anger to keep them in a constant reminder as to how upset you are with them.

But at what cost? For every moment that you re-live the experience and the hurt, ask yourself these questions.

Is the person even worth hurting yourself over and over again?

Is the person even aware that you are hurting?

What has holding grudges accomplished for you?

Sometimes,

we are so quick to hold a grudge without even realizing that the person you are holding the grudge for doesn’t have the slightest idea that you feel this way,

they are probably somewhere living their best lives!

Anger is a punishment that we give to ourselves for the careless actions of others towards us,

when anger becomes repetitive, it becomes a grudge.

Click here to read more about how to control Anger

To let go of a grudge, you need to understand, that you aren’t doing it for them, you are doing it for you.

Grudges And Expectations

These two things go hand in hand with each other,

in order to have a grudge with someone we have an expectation of that person that needs to be met.

This can be anything from an apology, to telling the truth or even closure,

to help you let go of a grudge, other times your expectations could be more.

When it comes to expectations,

you need to zero your mind to not expect anything from people,

sometimes we feel offended and get angry at someone because of an expectation that we have of them that they are not meeting up with.

It is important to note that this is an unhealthy habit,

having expectations of someone can blind you from truly seeing how good that person is,

because we are too busy being focused on what we expect that person to do, we totally push aside what that person is doing.

Zeroing your mind to not expect anything from the person helps you to avoid being offended and getting angry or holding a grudge for something the person isn’t doing.

We need to understand that what we want people to do and what people want to do are two different things,

holding a grudge on someone because of something you expected them to do that they didn’t do is not a good idea.

As this can end up in people behaving a certain way around you just because you always want them to behave that way, to let go of a grudge,

you need to stop trying to control or influence the way people act around you so that you don’t feel hurt or offended by the things that they do

How To Know If You Expect Too Much

If you are someone who has a high expectation for people around you,

you will notice that people tend to go away,

or avoid you just because they know you will get upset about something that they have or haven’t done.

They will not be able to be themselves around you because they assume that you will judge their every behavior and end up in a feud with them over it.

You will start to notice that people around you talk about a lot of things more with other people while you have to find out about what’s going on with them from other people.

They will stop telling you what’s going on their lives because they think you will judge them for it.

They will also try not to make mistakes around you and might even become defensive when they do make a mistake because they know you will make a big deal out of it.

Luckily,

there are ways to stop yourself from having high expectations and help save the relationship of people around you,

let’s look at that next step on “how to let go of a grudge”.

How To Stop Expecting Too Much From People

1. Try to keep an open mind, you will meet all kinds of people in your life, try your best to make sure that you don’t influence the way that they act around you by listening more than you talk, that way you get to see who they really are.

2. Get rid of unrealistic expectations like expecting people to read your mind or know what you want without telling them, try your best to communicate the way you feel without coming across as controlling or rude.

3. Always keep in mind that everyone has a right to their own decisions, don’t try to make peoples choices for them that will come across as controlling.

4. Zero your expectations from people so that you won’t end up depressed or angered when things don’t happen the way that you expect them to.

5. You are your own person and so are other people too, if you won’t like it when someone tries to change you, don’t try to change other people, and instead try to see if you can accept them for who they really are.

Conclusion

In this journey called life, bear in mind that we all make mistakes, outgrow things, drop habits, pick up new ones and even change ourselves for the better.

Try not to judge people a lot, they are all just trying to live their lives the best way they can and pick things up along the way and so should you.

Carrying a grudge doesn’t do you any good, try to accept things that you cannot change,

be more realistic and try to be understanding by communicating your feelings politely and everything will be alright.

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Click here to find out the 14 steps to taking charge of your life